Love Languages

Sermon by the Revd Dr Brutus Green
Readings: Isaiah 60:1-6, Ephesians 3:1-12, Matthew 2:1-12

When I speak with couples preparing for marriage, I usually talk at some point about the so-called ‘love languages’. There are 5 of these, 5 ways in which apparently we give and receive love. They are: Quality time. Physical Affection. Acts of Service. Words of Affirmation. And Gifts. It’s really a very simple idea which has made Gary Chapman a lot of money. So you can enjoy his range of books: the 5 Love languages. … for single people … for men … for children … for teenagers … in the workplace… military edition. And so on.

 Now I must confess that I’ve never read any of them but as with many books that sell very well, the basic idea is very simple and helpful and can be written on a postcard. The money comes when you can stretch it out and repackage it in 9 different volumes.

But the point which I believe is really helpful is to understand that you may give and receive love differently than the people close to you. So it may be that the thing I most value is when someone takes tasks off my hands. If someone volunteers to take Oberon for an hour, or I come back and the house is totally tidy, that is what makes me feel loved. And, probably, if that’s how I feel, then the way I show love will be to do little things for someone: bring them breakfast in bed; uncomplainingly take the dog for his walks, clean the sink.

But what if my other half has a very different love language? When Rhiannon was in hospital waiting for the stork to deliver Oberon she made it very clear that words were very important. She would frequently shout “Words!” At which point I would have to say affirming, positive, encouraging things. We went into hospital on Sunday morning and Oberon was born on Wednesday evening. That is a lot of words of affirmation.

I think there is a danger at times though that when we become a little lazy, a little thoughtless, a little negligent that we revert to our own language and forget our partner is different. The disaster of this is that we may think we are being loving, kind and thoughtful, but our partner feels neglecting and unloved. When they quite reasonably become cross or upset, then we can become indignant – thinking look at all the love I have shown them, all the things I have done, While she is thinking all I needed was to hear ‘I love you.’ 

Human beings are dreadfully complicated and mostly irrational so the opportunities for misunderstanding are endless. But it’s a tragedy that you could have two people earnestly proving their love in their own ways, and yet both feeling unloved and like they’re the one showing love.

Not so with our kings though. In common with Marilyn Monroe, their love language is obviously gifts –  Next to diamonds, myrrh is a girl’s best friend –  and in today’s Gospel despite their late arrival they absolutely nail it. 

This scene is only in Matthew’s Gospel and has been built up with apocryphal detail. So often they are referred to as kings. We’re told there were three, presumably because there are three gifts and you would never turn up at someone’s house without a gift right? (And of course all great stories run in threes.) And because of these Nativity scenes, and of the gift-connection with both Christmas and birthdays – and what bad luck for Jesus right? being born on Christmas Day; but yes, we imagine them arriving at the stable, with that lovely tableau, the rich kings and the poor shepherds, with the animals in the stable under the star. But it’s clear in the Gospel that they come to the Holy Family’s house, so probably some time after the birth. 

But then we have those famed three gifts, gold, frankincense and Myrrh. As the hymn puts it for the child who would become King and priest and sacrifice. And here we have the reciprocity of love languages as the gifts are matched by the gift that Jesus brings to all creation as an act of service.

So perhaps I should co-author a new book to make Gary Chapman his next million. The love languages for churches. In essence the Gospel is this love story that God has for the world, shown most dramatically in the acts of service that Jesus came to bring to the world. How will we respond? Can we find the quality time, the acts of Service, the words of affirmation or praise, or the gifts to respond to this. And how can we pass on this princely gift to the world?
‘If I were a shepherd, I would bring a lamb;
If I were a Wise Man, I would do my part;’
Yet what can I give Him?